You're just Jealous cuz the voices only talk to me
wantin him is hard 2 get...lovin him is hard 2 regret...losin him his hard 2 accept..but wit all tha hurt i've felt...LETTIN
GO IS THA MOST PAINFUL YET
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.
Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it.
Life is too important to take seriously.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.
Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you.
Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.
Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person
who he should be.
To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are
transformed.
To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.
Sometimes love will pick you up by the short hairs...and jerk the heck out of you.
All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon sand.
Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to be involved with them.
Love is not a bandage to cover wounds.
Passion makes the world go round. Love just makes it a safer place.
We can only learn to love by loving.
Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age.
Is love supposed to last throughout all time, or is it like trains changing at random stops. If I loved her, how
could I leave her? If I felt that way then, how come I don't feel anything now?
True love brings up everything - you're allowing a mirror to be held up to you daily.
To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.
When you give each other everything, it becomes an even trade. Each wins all.
Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage,
because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.
I thought I loved him, but I really just needed him. There was so much death and when I was in bed with him, I wasn't
thinking about death...Look, what I'm trying to say is that we can't know what's in another person's heart, we can't even
know what's in our own. Life turns on a dime, and somehow we muddle through.
Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.
Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.
For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last
test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
He who is in love is wise and is becoming wiser, sees newly every time he looks at the object beloved, drawing from
it with his eyes and his mind those virtues which it possesses.
I don’t think anyone can DO anything that would make him worthy of love. Love is a gift and cannot be earned.
It can only be given.
You can't love anyone until you understand that you can't love everyone.
Love the ones you can. Touch the ones you can reach. Let the others go.
Love is an irresistable desire to be irresistably desired.
Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simplier, but much less
magical.
Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved.
Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.
Any piece of clothing can be sexy with a quietly passionate woman inside it.
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact.
One thing I've learned in all these years is not to make love when you really don't feel it; there's probably nothing
worse you can do to yourself than that.
Sex should be wild. Unfettered and free. We're animals, aren't we? And, basically, we're all wolves in sheep's fur.
I always wanted more. Not frequency, I am not talking about frequency; although that would have been great, too. I wanted
more intensity. I wanted to be out there, outside myself, outside my skin. I wanted sex to be like robbing life out of the
jaws of death!
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my
friend.
He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare,
And he who has one enemy will meet him everywhere.
Misfortune shows those who are not really friends.
A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling.
Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying
to get other people interested in you.
My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security
twilight home in Australia.
Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.
When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.
There isn’t much better in this life than finding a way to spend a few hours in conversation with people you
respect and love. You have to carve this time out of your life because you aren’t really living without it.
When someone allows you to bear his burdens, you have found deep friendship.
You can forget a lot of things, but you cannot forget a woman’s name and claim to love her.
If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself alone. A man should
keep his friendships in constant repair.
Get not your friends by bare compliments, but by giving them sensible tokens of your love.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
To accomplish great things, we must dream as well as act.
Dreams that do come true can be as unsettling as those that don't.
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties.
People who ask our advice almost never take it. Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request, for it often
helps us to see our own way more clearly.
[Advice is] what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
The true secret of giving advice is, after you have honestly given it, to be perfectly indifferent whether it is
taken or not, and never persist in trying to set people right.
In giving advice, seek to help, not please, your friend.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Complaining is good for you as long as you're not complaining to the person you're complaining about.
A strong positive mental attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug.
Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.
The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind.
The words that enlighten the soul are more precious than jewels.
Develop interest in life as you see it; in people, things, literature, music - the world is so rich, simply throbbing
with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable
pancreas?
The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful.
And very shortly you discover that there is no reason.
Man is what he believes.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen.
Men willingly believe what they wish.
They were so strong in their beliefs that there came a time when it hardly mattered what exactly those beliefs were;
they all fused into a single stubbornness.
Remember that what you believe will depend very much on what you are.
Unless you believe, you will not understand.
A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.
A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.
Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.
All charming people have something to conceal, usually their total dependence on the appreciation of others.
Charm is the quality in others that makes us more satisfied with ourselves.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Self-conceit may lead to self-destruction.
The smaller the mind the greater the conceit.
When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.
Conceit is God's gift to little men.
The world tolerates conceit from those who are successful, but not from anybody else.
We are so vain that we even care for the opinion of those we don't care for.
The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none.
The man who has confidence in himself gains the confidence of others.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
If I have lost confidence in myself, I have the universe against me.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Above all things, never be afraid. The enemy who forces you to retreat is himself afraid of you at that very moment.
A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.
Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.
Evil draws men together.
There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.
Forgiveness is almost a selfish act because of its immense benefits to the one who forgives.
If I reach up for your hand, will you hold it? If I hold out my arms will you hug me? If I go for your lips, will
you kiss me? If I capture your heart, will you love me?
Sometimes I wish I had never met you, because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like
you.
Me I'm scared of everything, I'm scared of who I am, What I saw, What I did, But most of all I'm scared of walking
out of this room, and never feeling for the rest of my life the way I feel when I'm with you.
When someone is born, someone dies, Some one laughs, someone cries, If you love someone let them know, 'cause if
they leave tomorrow they will never know
Two tear drops were floating down the river. One teardrop said to the other, "I'm the teardrop of a girl who loved
a man and lost him. Who are you?"..."I'm the teardrop of the man who regrets letting a girl go..."
Have you ever noticed that the one that pisses you off the most is the one you care about the most?
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what
if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
The 1 cause of divorce is ... Marriage
Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Is it possible to stop living While you're still alive? To loose yourself in confusion To get caught up in your own
lies?
I’m trying hard not to miss you. Trying hard not to feel empty when I don’t see you. I’m losing
my mind over you, and I can’t live without you
I love him so much that when I see him, I have to remind myself to breathe, because he literally takes my breath
away.
Once Upon a Time Something Happened To me It was the Sweetest Thing That ever could be It was a Fantasy A dream Come
True It was the Day i Met You
Behind every smile lies a broken heart
Kissing and I mean like, yummy,
smacking kissing, is the most
delicious, most beautiful and
passionate thing
that two people
can do, bar none. Better than sex,
hands down.
- Drew Barrymore
It's hard for me to get used to these
changing times. I can remember when
the air was clean and sex was dirty.
-
George Burns
I like your style
i like your class
but most of all i like your ass
Im a cool girl in a town
It takes a real motherfucker to bring me down
Kissing is a habit
Fucking is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
The guy says he
loves you
You believe it's true
But when your tummy starts to swell
He says the hell with you
10 minutes of pleasure
9
months of pain
3 days in the hospital
1 baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This
never would have happend
If the rubber hadn't tore
Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut
Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in
Holy mother full of grace
Bless my boyfriends gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him safe
from all the girls
Bless his arms that are so stong
Keep his hands where they belong
Bless his dick the one i sucked
Bless
the bed in which we fucked
And if my mom happend to walk in
Bless the shit i'd be in
Sex is a sensation
Caused by a temptation
A guy sticks his location
In a girls destination
To increase
population
For the next generation
Do you get my explanation
Or do you need a demonstration?
Sex is good
Sex is fine
Doggy style or 69
Just for fun or getting paid
Everyone loves getting laid
Roses are Red
Violets are Corny
When i think of you
0ooh baby i get horny
Eat me
Beat me
Bite me
Blow me
Suck me
Fuck me
Very slowly
If you kiss me
Don't be sassy
Use
your tounge and make it NASTY!
god wanted things that blow...thats why he made me
Dont stick your tounge out unless u intend to use it
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Don't Want Me, Yet? Have Another Drink.
Hold it
Lick it
Suck it
Chill boys i was talkin about lollypops
I'm sweet as Heaven, hott as Hell. Born to tease, but taught to please. I'm sexy, guys are fine. I'll be six, if
you'll be nine. Shit of the year, pimpette of the season, your man left you, and I'm the reason. So watch you back, and make
some room, cause the baddest bitch is comming through
Sweet lil hunny cute as can be, not even Ja Rule can put it on me. Got the ass that no guy can pass up, not even
Juvenille can back this ass up. Da cutest girl you ever did see, makin Master P go "o0o0o Wee". Hottest lil chick you'll ever
see, not even Nelly can ride with me. N don't forget i rock everything you lack, even Fabulous told me to holla back.
Call me a bitch
Call me a whore
You only say that
Cuz you cant score
I lost my teddy bear will u come sleep with me?
Sorry boys, the only thing i blow is KISSES.
Tricks get tricked
Playas get played
So be a pimpettet
Cuz pimpettes get laid
I wanna suck you, lick you, move my tounge all around you, feel you in my mouth, yup, that's how i eat ice cream.
What matters is not the length in the wand but the magic in the stick.
You be good
Ill be bad
Ill give you the best time you've ever had
Wanna play Army?
Ok, You lay on the ground While i blow the hell outta you.
Sex is like pringles, Once you pop you can't stop.
God made me
God made you
God made Condums
So we could screw
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
I generally avoid temptation.. unless i can't resist.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The
doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy,
and I in the nude Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I
lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with
herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what
to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out
of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled
to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig
or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta
go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then
from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover
my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum
and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here
awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started
to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his
sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The
next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties,
the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A
cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will
shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny
butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke
wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!
The
sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out
nike Condoms: just do it
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack:
Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Ford Condoms: The best
never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New
York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking
Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Sex and Murphy's Law
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex has no calories.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you,
the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it,
if it's offered take it, because it'll never be
quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and
causes the most amount of trouble.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and
50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches
you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and
minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a man's wife learns to understand him,
she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to
a man are usually the same ones she can't
stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it,
chances are you won't either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night,
then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
The game of love is never called off on
account of darkness.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the
ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've
got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things
worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Love is a hole in the heart.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had
gone into our space program, we would now be running
hot-dog
stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Thou shalt not commit adultery...unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when she's tired... or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man,
the women he couldn't.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the
magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he
doesn't love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation;
the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a
fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
"This won't hurt, I promise."
Murphy's Love Laws
1. All the good ones are taken.
2. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
3. The nicer someone is, the
farther away she/he is from you.
4. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
5. The amount of love someone feels for
you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
6. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining
position.
7. The best things in the world are free and worth every penny of it.
8. Every kind action has a not-so-kind
reaction.
9. Nice guys/girls finish last.
10. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
11. Availability is
a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.
Murphy's Law:
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Everything takes longer than you expect.
And if anything can go wrong,
It
will at the worst possible moment.
Why Women Prefer Sex With Cucumbers Than With Men
Cucumbers don't have sex hangups.
Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
Cucumbers aren't into rope, leather, talking dirty,
or swinging with fruits and nuts.
The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
Cucumbers won't tell you size
doesn't count.
Cucumbers don't get too excited.
Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.
Cucumbers are easy
to pick up.
You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket, and you know how firm
it is before you take it home.
Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
With a cucumber you can get a single room, and you won't have to
check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.
A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
You can go to a movie with a cucumber, and see the movie.
You
can go to a drive-in with a cucumber, and you can stay in the front seat.
With a cucumber you can always wait until you
get home.
A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out for Milk Duds.
A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne
Film Festival.
A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?".
A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
Cucumbers won't
tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.
With a cucumber you don't
have to be a virgin more than once.
Cucumbers can handle rejection.
Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache.
Cucumbers
won't care what time of the month it is.
Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.
Cucumbers won't
give it up for Lent.
With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry.
Afterwards, a cucumber won't want to shake
hands and be friends.
Afterwards, a cucumber won't say, "I'll call you a cab".
Afterwards, a cucumber won't tell you
he's not the marrying kind.
Afterwards, a cucumber won't tell you he is the marrying kind.
Afterwards, a cucumber won't
call his ex-wife or therapist.
Afterwards, a cucumber won't take you to confession.
Cucumbers don't leave you wondering
for a month.
Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore.
Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
A
cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.
A cucumber isn't allergic to your
cat.
With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale
during the Flu season.
Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
A
cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest.
A cucumber doesn't
use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.
Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
Cucumbers won't
make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
You can
eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best?
How was it? Did you come? How many times?"
Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.
A
cucumber won't want to join your sports group.
A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
Cucumbers aren't into meaningful
conversations.
Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover, or speculate about your next one.
A cucumber will never make a scene because there are
other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.
No matter how old you are, you can
always get a fresh cucumber.
Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest,
or drool on the pillow.
A cucumber won't give you a hickey.
Cucumbers can stay up ALL night, and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
Cucumbers
don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet
while you are taking a shower.
With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
Cucumbers don't compare
you to a center fold.
Cucumbers don't count to 10.
Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
A
cucumber will never leave you for another woman.
A cucumber will never leave you for another man.
A cucumber will never
leave you for another cucumber.
A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late, Honey",
and then come home smelling like another woman.
A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.
You always know where a cucumber has
been.
A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.
A cucumber won't leave you for
a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
You won't find out later that
your cucumber is married.
You won't find out later that your cucumber is on penicillin.
You won't find out later that
your cucumber likes you, but loves your brother.
A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
Cucumbers
never tell you what they did on R&R.
A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion.
Cucumbers
don't care if you make more money than they do.
Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.
A
cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.
Cucumbers
never want to take you home to mom.
A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family.
A cucumber
won't ask to be put through Med School.
A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
Cucumbers never
expect you to have little cucumbers.
Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic,
Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian.
It's easy to drop a cucumber.
A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement,
or seek custody of anything.
No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of
giving pleasure to thousands, and all you can do is
scratch it!
The big difference between sex for money and sex for
free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
If a woman loses a game of pool, it is illegal for her to settle her tab with sex.
Arizona, Cottonwood - It is illegal for a couple to have sex in a vehicle with flat wheels. The fine is doubled if
the sex occures in the back seat.
Arizona - It is illegal for a man to cause his wife to become a prostitute.
And:
It is illegal for unmarried
persons to have sex. The penalty is three years in prison.
Arkansas - Adultery is punishable by a $20 to $100 fine.
And:
It is illegal for a husband to place his wife
in a brothel.
California - Adultery is punishable by a $1,000 fine and/or one year in prison.
And:
Husbands and wives are
prohibited from having oral sex.
And:
It is illegal to import an Asian woman and make her a prostitute.
Oral and
Anal Adults Sex Illegal States Laws
Connecticut - "Private sexual behavior between consenting adults" is still illegal in Connecticut.
Delaware - Only physicians and wholesale druggists may legally sell condoms.
Florida - Oral sex is punishable by a 20-year prison term.
Illinois - It is illegal for a husband and wife to have sex while out hunting or fishing on their wedding day.
Indiana - It is illegal to entice someone under 21 to masterbate.
And:
Male skating instructors are prohibited
from having sex with their female students. However, there is no parrallel law preventing female skating instructors from
having sex with their male students.
Kansas - Anal sex is punishable by a maximum six-month prison term.
Kentucky - Only physicians and other medical personnel may legally sell condoms. However, their "condom selling"
license may not be publicly displayed.
Louisiana - Streaking is illegal, but only if the streaker intended on rousing anyone who saw him or her.
Maine - It is illegal for a husband to place his wife in a brothel.
And:
Condom sellers must obtain a license
from the state and display their license at all times.
And:
Maine, Buckfield - It is illegal for a cab driver to charge
a passenger a fare if the passenger had sex with the driver while on their way home from any place that sold liquor.
Maryland - Condom vending machines may only be installed in places where alcohol is served.
And:
Anal sex is
punishable by a one to 10 year prison sentence.
And:
It is illegal to have oral sex with a person or an animal.
Michigan - It is illegal for a husband to place his wife in a brothel.
And:
It is illegal to masturbate. The
penalty is five years in prison.
And:
Sex between unmarried consenting adults is punishable by a fine up to $5000 and/or
up to five years in prison.
Minnesota, Alexandria - It is illegal for a man to have sex with his wife if his breath stinks of garlic, onions,
or sardines. By law, the husband must brush his teeth if asked to by his wife.
Missouri - It is illegal for a husband to force his wife to work as a hooker on the streets.
Montana, Bozeman - Sex is illegal between two people who are naked on their front lawns after sundown.
Nebraska, Hastings - It is illegal for a man and woman to sleep together in a hotel when both are naked. Also, a
couple may not have sex in the hotel unless they are both wearing plain white cotton nightshirs, which, by law, must be provide
to them by the hotel.
Nebraska - Anal sex is illegal and punishable by a $5,000 fine and 10 years in prison.
And:
Only physicians
may legally sell condoms.
Nevada Condoms are mandatory for sex with legal prostitute.
New Jersey - It is illegal for two men to masturbate in the presence of each other or to masturbate each other. The
penalty is three years in prison.
New Mexico, Carlsbad - It is illegal for couples to have sex in a parked car or van while on their lunch break if
they can be seen by passerby.
New Mexico - Oral sex is punishable by a two to 10 year prison term and a $5,000 fine.
New York - A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around
on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating
male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
The New York City Transit Authority has ruled that women can ride the city subways topless. New York law dictates
that if a man can be somewhere without a shirt, a woman gets the same right. The decision came after arrests of women testing
the ordinance on the subways. A transit police spokesman said they would comply with the new rule, but "if they were violating
any other rules, like sitting on a subway bench topless smoking a cigarette, then we would take action." Smoking is not allowed
in the subways.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
North Carolina - It is illegal for a man to spy on a woman through a window. The same law restriction does not apply
to women watching men or men wathcing men.
Ohio - Male skating instructors are prohibited from having sex with their female students. As in Indiana, this law
does not apply to female skating instructors.
Oklahoma, Clinton - It is illegal to masturbate while watching a couple have sex in the backseat of a car at a drive-in
theater.
Oregon, Willowdale - A husband may not use profanity while making love to his wife. The same is not true for his
wife, who may cuss to her heart's content when she's with her loving husband.
Pennsylvania, Harrisburg - Female toll booth workers cannot have sex with male truck drivers in the confines of their
toll booth.
Rhode Island - It is illegal for unmarried persons to have sex. The fine is $10.
And:
Oral sex is punishable
by a seven to 10 year prison term.
South Carolina, Branchville - It is illegal for a couple to "lewdly or lasciviously romp" either in private, or in
public. The fine is $500 fine and a five year prison sentence.
South Carolina - Anal sex is punishable by a $500 fine and a five year prison term.
South Dakota, Sioux Falls - It is illegal for a couple to have sex on the floor between two single beds in a hotel.
South Dakota - It is illegal for prostitutes to solicit customers from a covered
wagon.
And:
Oral sex is punishable by a 10 year prison term.
Tennessee, Skullbone - It is illegal for a women to masturbate a man or perform oral sex on him while he is driving
a car.
Texas - Sex between unmarried consenting adults is punishable by a $500 fine.
And:
Only a "registered pharmacist"
may legally sell condoms. Anyone eles will be prosecuted for illegally practicing medicine.
Utah, Tremonton - It is illegal to have sex in an ambulance.
Utah - Oral sex is punishable by six months prison term and a $299 fine.
Vermont, Beanville - It is illegal for massage parlors to advertise on road maps.
Virginia, Norfolk - It is illegal to have sex while riding on the sidecar of a motorcycle.
Virginia - Adultery is punishable by a $20 to $100 fine.
Washington, D.C. - It is illegal for a man to cause his wife to become a prostitute.
Washington - It is illegal for a man to have sex with a virgin.
Wisconsin, Connorsville - It is illegal for a man to fire off a gun when his partner has an orgasm.
Wyoming, Newcastle - It is illegal for a couple to have sex while standing up in a market's walk-in meat freezer.
Wyoming - It is illegal to entice or help someone under 21 to masturbate.
Men are decapitated in Indonesia if found masturbating.
Sex is a bad thing because
it rumples the clothes
